The Lesson

I am just going to start out by saying that this is not a happy story,this will be the only deep part of my life that  will share.  I don't want you to feel bad for me, because of it, it made me a stronger person. Some of the details below may be unsettling. I want you to know that if you are in a similar situation there is always a way to get out. You do have family and friends who care about you. I will tell the following part of my life in parts.

Part 1: The Meeting: I met Greg*(not real name) quite randomly. I had just graduated high school and I was looking forward to the summer before college. Greg was older, not too much older, but old enough that I was intrigued. He was funny and seemed to have lots of friends. I remember I met him at a friends apartment. Again it was a very random meeting. I can honestly say I can't remember what I was doing there. We started talking and flirting the night away. At the end of the night I ended up leaving, after we had exchanged phone numbers. The summer flew by fast...hanging out with friends...hanging out with Greg...staying at the lake all day long...not wanting to think about college just around the corner. One of the first signs that something was off about Greg came mid summer. I remember we were at a friend house, he got mad about something and just stormed off, started walking. I chalked it up to him being really upset and needing some air. So I brushed it off and continued with my summer. Summer finally came to and end and it was time to head off to college. By now Greg and I had become exclusive and decided to try the long distance relationship. I was 18 and a true believer in love and relationships, so we decided to give it a shot. School started and we would see each other on the weekends. Either I would go back down to see him or he would come to see me. When he came up to see me, I started noticing that he liked to drink and party. Now I am not saying that I didn't like to party ( I mean come on its college) but you know that friend you have, the one that usually pushes it to the extreme, yeah that was him, every time. This should have been another warning sign, but I was naive and just chalked it up to him having a good time. So this continued on until Spring Break...Spring Break was the first big wake up sign. I went on a cruise with my family that Spring Break. I didn't have a way to contact Greg and would end up using the phone from the Cruise. now if you have ever been on a Cruise it costs $1.99 for each minute that you are on the phone. Greg  had moved up to the same town I was going to college in  a week before, he was partying with his new roommates and basically being an overall jerk. I would try to talk with him and he would either hang up on me or not answer.  I tried to talk with him or contact him everyday. Lets just say at the end of the cruise the total bill was over $1000. Needless to say my parents were not happy. When we got back to college my parents cut me off. As soon as we arrived back at the house where Greg was staying at they made me cut up my Debit Card and hand over my keys. They did not approve of the path I was taking and were hoping by cutting me off it would wake me up...spoiler alert... it didn't! So here I was with no car and no money, oh and I had dropped out of College ( I know, not one of my highest points) and nowhere to stay except with Greg. Well Greg and I lived in that house with those roommates for about 2 weeks before moving back down to our home town. I moved in with him into his Dad's trailer. A few months pass by, he is now starting to Verbally Abuse me. It starts out by jabs at my looks. My hair isn't long enough, I don't look good in certain clothes. Then it gets worse to how I am not going to amount to anything because I dropped out of college. How my friends and family can't stand me, how I am not worthy. His voice is now a little echo in my head about how I am not good at anything, nobody likes me, my confidence being shattered one day at a time....The abuse has begun.


Part 2: The Mental Breakdown
Now if you have ever been in an abusive relationship the abuser wants to make sure they have you all to them-self. They cut off your ties with family and friends, so you have to rely on them. They make you think you have no worth, so you don't leave them.

It has now been a year since I have met Greg. We are living with his Dad and Step mom in their trailer. I have no job, and no support system. I have cut myself off from my family and friends. Each day I live in a constant state of being reminded how ugly, fat, dumb, useless, I am. I was and have always been a very confident and outgoing person. I loved meeting new people and making new friends. I was always so sure of myself, I never let what anyone said about me bother me. My mom made sure that I grew up to be confident, sure of myself, and never doubting my worth. That had all been stripped away in 12 months. Only 12 months it took to tear down what I had been building for 19 years. I was stuck. I thought it was love, I thought that I could truly change him. I mean after every fight he promised he would change. He promised he needed me in his life to get better. I truly thought I could be the person to do that for me. But the fighting got worse, the verbal abuse got worse, and then finally the verbal abuse turned into Physical Abuse.
I remember the first time it happened...we were at a friends house and everyone was having a good time. I had done something or said something to make Greg upset, he got up and stormed out of the house like normal. I followed thinking I could help in some way. When we got outside he let his angry words fly, of course I defended myself and said some words back. Once those words left my mouth he pushed me onto the curb. I fell and scraped up my thigh. I got back up and he shoved me back down. This time I stayed down. We left the party without talking on the way back home. In my mind I was done, I was leaving and not coming back. The next morning he was very sweet and apologized for everything. He said that he wasn't going to drink anymore and that he was done making me feel bad. I forgave him and decided to stay.

Part 3: The Plus Sign
I know if you are screaming at your screen right now on how stupid I could be, trust me I would be doing the same thing to myself.

Another couple of months passed by and I got a job at a restaurant. I loved my job at this restaurant and loved the people I worked with. I finally felt like I had some friends again and something for myself. Now of course Greg drove me to and from work everyday to make sure I didn't go anywhere else. It was my few hours that I could feel like myself again. The days passed and nothing got better. I was getting deeper and deeper into the pits of an abusive relationship and the prospect of getting out of it were fading everyday.
October was here, my favorite time of the month, and my birthday was just right around the corner. I couldn't believe I was going to be 20. Greg had promised to take me to a couple of haunted houses for my birthday. When the day arrived to go to the haunted houses I was excited, there was a little naggy feeling, but I ignored it. When we got to the haunted house that night I was reading the rules to enter in the house. One rule stood out to me... If you are pregnant proceed with caution...I don't know why it caught my attention that night, but for some reason all of a sudden I didn't want to go in. I ended up waiting outside of the haunted house for Greg and his friend to go through. I brushed off the feeling and didn't think anymore about it.
A couple of weeks pass and I notice that my certain monthly visitor hasn't come yet. I am 20 and very naive, so I don't think anything of it. I am at work and decide to go an buy a pregnancy test during my shift break, I am working a double that day. I go to the grocery store right around the corner and pick the first test that I see. I rush back to the restaurant and take the test in the upstairs bathroom. As I am waiting I think to myself that I am too young to be a mom, heck I am really just a kid myself. The 3 minute mark is up. I look at the test and staring back at me is a positive sign. Holy Crap I am pregnant.


Part 4: The Belly 

Pregnancy changed me for the better. As soon as I saw that plus sign I knew it wasn't just about me anymore. I now had a little human being depending on me.

After work that night I rushed home to tell Greg. On the way home I picked up a bottle, little booties, and another pregnancy test ( just to make sure). When I got home I have him the bottle and booties, he was utterly confused. He did not understand why I was giving him these baby items. I finally confessed that I was pregnant. He was in utter shock. He didn't believe me, so I took the other 2 tests that I had bought and they both popped up pregnant. It was now sinking in, and to my amazement he was excited. I thought to myself that this may be the reason that he changes....nope wrong again.
With each month that passed my belly started to grow. The physical abuse seemed to vanish, but the verbal abuse still took place. Around 5 months we found out we were having a boy. We were both excited and couldn't wait to pick out a name.
March was right around the corner and I couldn't wait until Spring was here. Greg and I had found our own trailer and were living in it by now. I had quit my job at the restaurant and was now back to doing nothing. Greg had jobs here and there, none lasting more than a couple of months. We went out one night with friends. Greg drank and got wasted and I drove us home. We got out of the car and started walking up to the door. Out of nowhere he comes up behind me and shoves me into the wall and starts choking me. He is cursing at me and telling me how much he hates me. He finally lets go and storms to the back of the trailer. About 10 minutes later there is a knock at the door. There are a couple of policeman that want to talk to me. They start by telling me that a neighbor called in because they had seen what had taken place. They ask if that was true and I respond that it is. Still shaken up by the whole ordeal, they ask if I want to press charges....it is the first time that I turn him in. As they are hauling him away he is yelling at me and telling me I am going to be sorry. Guess what, I was still there the net day when he came crawling back asking for forgiveness, I give it to him.
The months pass and our due date nears. It is the beginning of July and we have just finished eating our dinner.  I excuse myself to use the restroom. As I am coming back out I notice that I feel a leakage, I look down and my water has broken. The baby is coming.


Part 5: The Wake Up Call
If you have made it this far and not given up on me, thank you! I know that it is frustrating reading and probably shouting at the monitor, but trust me this is where things start turning around.


We arrive at the hospital and they get me into a room.  I call my mom and let her know the news. Side note: throughout this whole ordeal my mom has been on my side. She has come to get me when things were really tough and she has watched me go back. Looking back on it, it really took great strength from her to watch me go through everything knowing there was nothing she could do to make me stay. My mom arrives and we start a 12 hour labor. We had arrived at the hospital at 9 that night and I had the baby at 9:20 the next morning. Now the pregnancy was easy and healthy, the after birth was when it got scary. As soon as my son was born they had to rush him off to the NICU because he had fluid in his lungs. The doctor was trying to get my bleeding under control, my uterus wasn't contracting back down, and therefore I was losing too much blood. They gave me some shots to hopefully clot my blood and help the uterus to contract. After a couple of minutes of waiting they decided to take me to the Operating Room. Now the next steps, if the shots didn't work, were to insert a balloon to hopefully stop the bleeding, if that didn't work then they would perform a hysterectomy on me. The shots finally kicked in about 20 minutes later. I was brought back to the room. My son was still in the NICU recovering. When they finally brought my son to me it was like everything and everyone had disappeared. We were the only two in the room. He was my world and I was his. Something clicks in you the first time you see your child. You don't know the love you have for that child until they are in your arms staring back at you. Something clicked.

We were dismissed from the hospital a couple of days later and went back to the trailer that we had on his mom's property...oh yeah we moved again...We stayed there for a couple of weeks and then found another trailer of our own. Everything seemed to be going well, Greg was still partying and going out at night, I didn't seem to care because I had this little human that needed me.

New Year's came and I stayed at home while Greg went out partying. I remember falling asleep on the couch with my son on my chest. Greg came stumbling in, in a drunken stooper yelling obscenity's. He came over to the couch and yelled that he was going to kick my face in. I grabbed my son and turned my back to Greg, if he was going to kick me at least I would take the force and brunt of it. He ended up  yelling into my face and then stumbled back into the back room. I looked down at my son still asleep and thought that this was no place to raise a child...I still stayed.

A few more months passed, same verbal and physical abuse happening daily. One day we had a couple of friends over and had made margarita's. I wasn't drinking. but guess who was... the sun had set and we were hanging out on the front porch. I said something that made Greg mad and he went into a rage. He grabbed my son and put him in the truck, no carseat, and drove away. I frantically called the police and described to them what happened. They came over and asked the description of the truck and if my son was in his car-seat, I responded no that I had it and I wasn't sure where they went. Now I am a blubbering mess and quite frankly scared out of my mind. I had called my mom and she shows up. I go the one place that I know he will be, his grandma's. We bang on the door and I plead with Greg to hand my son over, he doesn't. My mom yells through the door that we will see them in court. We contact a lawyer the next day. Greg hands my son over the next day as well and we go and stay with my parents. Now I know that you are thinking I probably got sole custody just by what has happened so far...it's not that easy. We end up working out a joint custody agreement. My son and I move in with my parents, for the first time out of the grasps of Greg. I exhale a breath I didn't realize I had been holding.

Part 6: Thanksgiving
The circle of an abusive relationship is a nasty one. The abuser has control over you, and you don't realize how much. They keep pulling you under, never wanting you to resurface.

The next year is full of sharing my son, and me going back and forth with relationships with Greg. Each time him promising that he would get better and then it getting worse.  I finally tore myself away and promised to be done with Greg for good. I was focusing on my son and was back in school. The joint custody really wasn't joint at all. It was me 99% of the time, which I was happy with. When it was Greg's  time to have him he would either leave him with his grandma or call me to come and get him at 2 o'clock in the morning. This went on for about a year and half.

My son was now 3 and Thanksgiving was coming up. My family had received a blow, my aunt was diagnosed with Breast Cancer and my brother was being Deployed to Afghanistan. I texted Greg and asked if I could have my son for Thanksgiving to go visit my Aunt and he could have him for Christmas, we were still on the every other holiday. He responded with a No, and that I shouldn't be so selfish. I tried explaining to him what was going on and that I needed my son there for Thanksgiving. What he responded back was my last straw, in text message he wrote: You can have him for Thanksgiving, if you come and have sex with me. I stared at the text message for 5 minutes, not wanting to believe that I was reading it correctly. I looked up at my mom and uttered 4 words, " I need sole custody."


Part 7: Freedom
Breaking free from an Abusive relationship is hard. The abuser has torn you down to nothing, you don't know who you are anymore, don't know how to function without them. Luckily I had my parents on my side and they were able to support me when I needed them the most.

The next few months were a whirlwind of trying to get everything I could together to go to court. Text messages, emails, write down every abuse I could think of. Document every time I had to keep my son on Greg's weekends. Finally the day came to go to court. I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. My mom and I sat outside, binder in hand. Greg and his attorney looked at our deal, they said no, they would not accept it. We then pulled our hidden card, we said we would run a hair follicle test that would show the different drugs that Greg was on. This caught his attention, he signed over his rights. I had sole custody of my son. My mom and I hugged, and I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I was finally done with Greg, I no longer had any strings attached to him. I had pulled myself out of the depths of the abuse and had freed myself. I had to put myself back together. 4 years I endured his malicious words, 4 years I had endured his slaps and kicks. 4 years I had been beaten down into the ground, not defending myself. 4 years was way too long.




Part 8: Happy Ending
The victims that are able to escape the cycle, then have to repair themselves. They come out not the same person, but stronger.

Looking back on it, I had a treasure that came out of a horrible situation. My son is kind, big hearted, smart, thoughtful, funny. He inspires me to be the best person that I can be everyday.

It took a year of therapy to finally build my self esteem back up. My life coach was awesome. She helped me realize that it was not my fault and that I was a victim. I was back in college and really enjoying it. I was getting my degree in Education and wanting to become a teacher. I had repaired relationships that I had broken and had formed new relationships with new friends. I was loving being a single mom, and my son was my world. We formed a special bond that only 2 people can form going through what we went through. My parents were letting us stay with them until I finished college and graduated.  I had my cousins wedding coming up in a month...little did I know that I was about to meet my husband.