I don't Know

When I was teaching, we had to go to training's every summer. It was the summer of my fourth year and I had signed up for a Science training that was going to talk about how kids use their brain and learn. I was intrigued because I loved my Psychology  classes in college.  One of the topics that the instructors talked about in that training, that changed my teaching and the way I parent, was the saying "I don't know".

As a parent we have heard the saying " I don't know". Whether we are asking our child why they did something, or why did they say that. Their response usually is " I don't know". Now before the training I thought that my child knew what he was doing, he had thought it out and understood consequences that would come of his decision. During the training the instructors referenced- The Parents Guide to the Teenage Brain (I have included a link down below), this article states : " From early adolescence through their mid-20's, a teen's brain develops somewhat unevenly, from back to front. This may help explain their endearingly quirky behavior but also makes them prone to risk taking." 

Why is this important and how does it pertain to my child not knowing what their actions were? The article continues:"The parts of the adolescent brain which develop first are those which control physical coordination, emotion and motivation. However, the part of the brain which controls reasoning and impulses-known as the Prefrontal Cortex-is near the front of the brain and, therefore, develops last. This part of the brain does not fully mature until the age of 25". This information drastically changed the way that I looked at my students way of thinking and even my own child's way of thinking. The part of their brain that controlled their reasonableness had not matured yet. So when they did something or said something, they really did not know why they did it. The part of their brain to make a reasonable conclusion was still under construction.
article continues: "

I stated earlier that this had also changed the way that I parent. Before I was getting upset every time that my child answered back with "I don't know," and a shrug. I decided that I needed to take a new approach to questioning. I started asking him more thought provoking questions. Ones that would in a

round about way get to the conclusion of why an action was taken. Instead of asking "Why did you do that?" I started asking, " What made you think to do that?" - " Did something happen before that caused you to take that action?"-"When you said this, how do you think that made the other person feel?"- " What was something else we could have done instead"?  Once I started asking these questions my son was able to think about his actions a little bit more. He was able to process what he did and how we got to the outcome. Shortly after implementing these types of questions the "I don't know" answer disappeared from our household. If your child is always answering with "I don't know", then they may truly not know why they did something. Remember that part of their brain is still developing. Try asking them different questions to get them thinking of how they reached the result. I have listed some questions you can try with your child down below.


Questions:

What happened to make you make this decision?
What could you have done differently?
Is there another route you could have taken?
If this was not working what could you have done?
Instead of saying what you said were there different words you could have used?
What was said before you spoke?
Has anything happened today that you would like to tell me?
Are you upset for any particular reason?
Lets go over the steps that it took to get us here.
Lets pretend there was a different outcome, how would that change where we are right now?
Would you like to talk to me about anything?

Article Link:
https://drugfree.org/article/brain-development-teen-behavior/